Stop what you’re doing! No really…stop what you’re doing right now. Take 5 or 10 minutes out of your day and read the latest piece from Marina Hyde in The Guardian. I’ll wait for you…go on. All done? Good. Now…are you as fucking angry as I am?
People who know me will be accustomed to me recommending every article that Marina Hyde writes. I much rather be writing a piece about how the intro (below) into her Meghan and Harry article on Tuesday made me laugh like drain.
I mean its fantastic and perfectly sums up the fallout from the soap-opera that the royal family have become. I’d love to write about how Marina Hyde accurately outlined how the media and the public are frequently torn between respecting the tradition and pageantry of the royals, whilst secretly hoping for more, more, more of the messy drama and in-fighting that we’ve seen in recent days.
I was looking forward to the follow up and eagerly went looking for her usual Friday article. Instead Marina has written, in her usual well-written manner (always the professional), an account of a woman being harassed by a man for the simple act of – *checks notes* – walking down a street to collect her her children from school! What the fuck?!?
It’s obvious that the man she’s writing about is lower than low, a scumbag, a shit…you get the idea. I feel stupid having to write this – but a woman should be allowed to go wherever she feels like without having to encounter a man calling her a “dirty cunt” for simply existing in the same area. And yet here we are. Whilst trying to articulate my thoughts on this matter, I actually contemplated writing that this idiot’s actions mark him out as someone who isn’t even a man. But then you step back and realise – actually this perfectly captures what its like to be a man!
I can already hear the disapproving reaction from men reading this. “I would never do this to woman”, I can hear you shouting loudly to your screen. The reaction in the aftermath of the news about the disappearance, and ultimately tragic death, of Sarah Everard has involved women sharing their fears and experiences online of having to behave in certain ways when sharing spaces with men. This included women talking about the steps they have to take to enjoy a night out free from harassment, and how some even felt that they couldn’t leave their houses in the evening once it got dark.
Inevitably the response from a lot of men, and women, has been to proclaim ‘Not All Men!’ at the top of their lungs. Others have chosen to ridicule the accounts and decided that not engaging with what women are trying to highlight is the best solution. A similar response was taken by a lot of white people in the face of the Black Lives Matter movement and their concerns about the impact of institutional racism. “I wouldn’t do it so what’s the problem?” is the customary defence in these circumstances. Davina McCall has taken some heat for defending men, saying on Twitter that highlighting the bad behaviour and calls for a #CurfewForMen on social media was a form of “fear-mongering” which leads to the view that all men are dangerous.
The immediate, and at times fevered, jump to “not all men” in these circumstances however entirely misses the larger concern that comes to mind in these events, and is ultimately the main source of my anger at the Marina Hyde experience in the article –
that women have been forced to accept that this is way things are and nothing can be done about it.
Marina Hyde actually appears apologetic for having to accept the inevitability of being called a “dirty cunt” simply for walking down the same street as a man. Saying ‘it’s just part of life’ should never be the default for women, and yet it has become the way that women have to go about their daily lives. When women do try and do something about these concerns – Marina asking the man to ‘STAY AWAY FROM ME’ and, oh I don’t know, women highlighting the times when men have made them uncomfortable online – they are invariably told that they are hysterical and/or faced with someone telling them that I wouldn’t do that to you.
We know that the vast majority wouldn’t do that to any woman, but what are you doing or going to do about THESE men?
This is invariably where the discussion needs to lead and where men need to be at the forefront. Marina talked about looking for assistance from a couple of male workers on the street whilst she was being abused, and how they didn’t stop to assist her. This action is essentially the same as anyone defaulting to “not all men” when confronted with any abhorrent behaviours perpetrated by men.
Women have been having these discussion for years. They’ve been sharing the details of their harassment, sexual abuse, and constant fears between themselves as often as they can, maybe as a personal attempt to come up with strategies and a communal thinking that may help solve the issue. Men are conspicuous by their absence in any discussion of solutions to this problem.
The reaction of many people to the highlighting of problematic behaviour of men has been to absolve themselves and the men/boys around them as not part of the solution. Men must be part of the solution and it needs to happen pretty sharpish. The reaction to hearing about these issues should at first be a recognition that there is a problem and it’s up to us (men) to be the solution.
I’m not saying we have to go all vigilante, assume a superhero identity, and prowl the streets looking for paedophiles, abusers, and general dickheads. We don’t all have the obscene wealth and psychopathic tendencies of Bruce Wayne. It needs to start at home or at the basic level. Calling out your friends for that behaviour when drunk in a bar, not joining in with that bullying behaviour on the street, and just being aware of the impact that your own behaviour has on others would be a good place to start. A Daniel Sloss clip has gone viral this week in which he talks about the impact of not confronting the problematic behaviour of a friend and its horrific outcome.
This is @Daniel_Sloss HBO special X. He does a 15 minute story on his friend who was raped. Since many good guy male comics are ignoring me & all your female identified comedy friends who have been tweeting for days & SCREAMING about rape culture for YEARS can you listen to him? pic.twitter.com/V2wUyIQf6g
— JEN KIRKMAN 👩🏻💻 (@JenKirkman) June 21, 2020
As he says here – “I knew this man for 8 years and he fucking did it. There are monsters amongst us and they look like us.”
You maybe don’t want to hear about the horrific things men are capable of and constantly get away with, then it’s up to you to change the narrative. There may be short term consequences to our actions that we may find unpleasant, but we have to face this problem head on. You may lose a friend, several friends or the respect of an idiot, but it’s better than losing the ability to look yourself in the mirror because you should have done more.